You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
