we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
