nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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