I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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