I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
