You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
