the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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