I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Those nachos came to me in a dream
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
