After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
