When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
