Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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