You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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