Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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