I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
