I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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