Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
