we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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