I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
