I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog