it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
