my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
