Pregnant stripper...not hot.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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