i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
