My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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