I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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