She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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