Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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