I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
