I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
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It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
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I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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