I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
