woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Panties = found
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
