i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
