My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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