We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
