Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
