I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize