I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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