i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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