i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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