On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
