is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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