my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
