the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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