based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
