I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
