So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
