All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
