I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
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Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
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You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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