Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he fucked my hip out of place.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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