my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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