Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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