could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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