I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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