M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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