hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
