totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
