The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
farters have to be the big spoon...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
