i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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