i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
