Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
