I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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