hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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