My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
